How to Get Your Partner to be More Kinky

Enjoy the Kinky Side of Life

So you’re a kinkster, and you’ve found a wonderful person that you want to date. There’s just one small problem: they’re not exactly kinky. Don’t abandon ship just yet! Here are some strategies for helping to introduce your partner to your kinkier side, and helping them find theirs.


Be specific.

Look, “kinky” is a broad category. It covers everything from spanking to CBT to rope bondage and much, much more. Instead of getting hung up on whether they’re kinky or not, focus on just the activities that you want to do with them. It’s okay if your partner considers themselves a vanilla person who gets spanked sometimes. I promise, it’s allowed. If what you really want is for them to choke you, try talking about that act specifically. If there are lots of kinky things you like, pick one to start with so that you don’t overwhelm them.

Explain why you like it.

Why do you like that thing? It’s okay if you have trouble coming up with a better answer than “it feels good.” Think about what makes it feel good, and what aspects of it really get you going. To a vanilla person, your kinky desires might seem completely bewildering. Your partner might not understand why someone would enjoy being in pain or being humiliated, because generally we consider these to be unpleasant experiences. If you can help them understand that some pain can be good pain for you, or that you actually get great joy and fulfillment out of being called mean names, they might be more inclined to try it. Most partners will want to make you happy, and if they know that this kinky thing will make you genuinely happy, they will probably be more open to it.

Start small.

For someone just starting to explore the concept of kink, it can seem overwhelming and intense. There’s plenty of really hardcore stuff out there, and whether that’s your thing or you prefer something more moderate, it’s best to start with little stuff. For example, if bondage is your thing, try tying someone’s wrists together with soft scarves before you go for the heavy duty leather straps. Start by introducing them to one small thing that you like. If they’re okay with that, then you can slowly increase the intensity. If they’re not, move on to another relatively small thing and try that.

Be patient.

Your partner might need some time to come around to the idea. That’s okay! Let them take a while to process it on their own. You can provide resources for them to check out, and/or let them do their own research. They might want to have several conversations with you about it after you initially introduce it to them. This can be to clarify exactly what you want and what they feel comfortable doing. Also, a little patience goes a long way in helping your partner to feel relaxed and not like you’re pressuring them into it. Let the negotiation process take as long as it needs to for everyone to feel safe and ready.

Respect their limits.

Look, the last thing you want is for your partner to feel like they’ve been forced into a situation in which they’re uncomfortable. If, after all of that, your partner still doesn’t want to do the kinky thing(s) that you want to do, respect their decision. Everyone has their hard limits, and if yours and your partner’s don’t line up exactly, that’s okay. Talk about each other’s’ sexual interests, and hopefully you can find some other things that you both like. Yes/No/Maybe lists are great for these kinds of conversations. See if you can come up with ways to work within their limits and still have an enjoyable and fulfilling experience.

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Annamarie Myers
Annamarie Myers is a queer switch and a sex blogger who writes about kink, dating, sex toys and sex education at annamarieinthemiddle.wordpress.com.
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